I loved reading this. I was recently at the receiving end of the same question. It made me feel small, like I am only supposed to be someone's wife. Like if I said no, I'll be judged. It was at a job interview of all places, and what I first thought was just a day-to-day sexist conversation starter, soon turned out to be a discriminatory hiring practice. It was very obviously insinuated that if I plan to marry soon, I'll be risky to hire.
A very detailed piece. With increasing financial independence the option to not marry is a strong one for girls these days and I absolutely think they should take it if they want to. I would definitely support my daughters and nieces if they decide not to marry. For the society to change as a whole, it’s a difficult and long path. Even today I feel men who have grown up in an apparently progressive household still hold on to some notion of their “superiority” and hence find it tough to accept assertive and independent women as partners
This is a wonderfully comprehensive take on why marriage just doesn’t make sense for women, especially in India. While I may be recognised as a “happily married” person, I deeply resonate with everything that you’ve talked about in this piece. Incidentally, my debate on the institution of marriage has been on for as long as I can remember, and I’m working on a book on the subject.
There are many instances in this essay where you echo my thoughts, and I would love to quote so many parts of this essay. Thank you for writing this piece in such simple and poignant terms, and I hope it reaches many more people.
Very well written. You have brought forth some very pertinent points - tax rule disparity, societal norms, property acquisition etc.
Truth be told marriage is an institution that needs to change and upgrade itself to modern sensibilities. Why it evolved the way it did is not as important as what it needs to be today.
With more people opting for non dogmatic options, there is also a need to acknowledge and provide for services that were originally provided under the umbrella of marriage and extended family. This is the other side of the coin. Single individuals as they progress through life will require nursing, emotional support, financial support, companionship, intimacy, help raising children, old age assistance and palliative care outside of outdated marital contract. It's time to discuss these as min standard support requirements for individuals as we march forward into the new unencumbered world.
I got married years ago and went through the same experiences as you before that. It felt unfair, uncomfortable, and so limiting to my free will. I had a period where I had learnt to be alone and loved it. I didn't want to get married. A deep societal change needs to happen for this to stop. And to me, it's the worst when women shame other women for choosing differently. Just because it worked for us, or because we have always done it this way.
Ps. Even though I am married, this article wasn't anger-inducing at all. We must respect different choices and you have expressed fair and logical points.
As someone in her early twenties who has seen multiple times how marriages break spirits of wonderful and independent women, the way you wrote about this institution resonated so deeply with me. Definitely going to make my elder cousins being pressurized to marry read this haha
Very nice--and as a single woman, I see it, and I get it! A small aside: I think the trad-wife phenomenon like extreme woke-ism, will, and sooner rather than later, backfire.
These trad wives on the internet are making money by spewing this propaganda. So not very trad of them. It will die down, but the MRA conversations that are growing scares me. And it's all interconnected
I understand your points in the article but I think it is coming from a biased place, I don't think things are easier for men either if they choose not to get married, infact if men are unmarried they too are considered as failures, there is no one who would show sympathy to an unemployed man, infact I would argue that a man needs to work harder to show that he is even eligible to get married, you can study about hypergamy if you are interested.marriage as an institution doesn't necessarily benefits a man always, especially when things are horribly unfair towards them in divorce courts and alimony settlements. Yes, people have abused the institution of marriage, but everything is abused by bad people, Internet, medicine, religion etc, but you can't blame the tool if the carpenter is bad. At the end marriage is about commitment, if 2 people are ready to commit and support each other, marriage is a beautiful thing, but yes if someone does not wants to be married that should be appreciated as well.
You seem to have missed the entire point of the piece. The argument isn’t whether marriage benefits men or women more. It's that the institution itself has historically been built on controlling women. If men also suffer under it, as you claim, then why is your response to defend it rather than question it?
You bring up hypergamy, as if it’s some unchangeable law. The very system you defend is what created it. If men feel pressured to earn more or prove their ‘eligibility’ for marriage, that’s not some innate reality. It is the result of patriarchal norms that demand men be providers. Feminism has been challenging this for decades, yet instead of supporting that challenge, many men dig their heels in and insist on keeping the system intact while simultaneously complaining about its burdens.
You also mention how men receive no sympathy if they are unemployed. Have you considered why? The same system that forces women into domestic roles also defines a man’s worth by his ability to provide. Feminism actually argues for dismantling these rigid roles so that both men and women have real choices.
As for divorce courts, if you’re upset about how some settlements turn out, your issue is with divorce laws, not with women. And let’s be real men overwhelmingly hold financial power worldwide. Women are often left economically vulnerable after divorce, which is why alimony existed in the first place. If men truly want an equal system, they should be advocating for a fair distribution of wealth, domestic labor, and parental responsibilities not just complaining when the system finally holds them accountable. To simplify: self sufficient women just want to move on.
And your last point of comparing marriage to a tool ‘you can’t blame the tool if the carpenter is bad’? That’s an oversimplification. Marriage isn’t a neutral tool; it was designed in a way that benefits some and restricts others. If a tool is faulty, it should be examined, critiqued, and if necessary, replaced with something better.
I loved reading this. I was recently at the receiving end of the same question. It made me feel small, like I am only supposed to be someone's wife. Like if I said no, I'll be judged. It was at a job interview of all places, and what I first thought was just a day-to-day sexist conversation starter, soon turned out to be a discriminatory hiring practice. It was very obviously insinuated that if I plan to marry soon, I'll be risky to hire.
I am sorry you had to go through that. It's disgusting how every life event ends up with a conversation about marriage
A very detailed piece. With increasing financial independence the option to not marry is a strong one for girls these days and I absolutely think they should take it if they want to. I would definitely support my daughters and nieces if they decide not to marry. For the society to change as a whole, it’s a difficult and long path. Even today I feel men who have grown up in an apparently progressive household still hold on to some notion of their “superiority” and hence find it tough to accept assertive and independent women as partners
It is really heartening to read this. I hope that more and more mothers/parents begin to think this way
This is a wonderfully comprehensive take on why marriage just doesn’t make sense for women, especially in India. While I may be recognised as a “happily married” person, I deeply resonate with everything that you’ve talked about in this piece. Incidentally, my debate on the institution of marriage has been on for as long as I can remember, and I’m working on a book on the subject.
There are many instances in this essay where you echo my thoughts, and I would love to quote so many parts of this essay. Thank you for writing this piece in such simple and poignant terms, and I hope it reaches many more people.
Thank you! I would love to know more about the book you are writing, Richa
It baffled me how are we okay dressing up girls as brides ? Always baffled me . It's never secure position. Never by religion or law .
I just want to say ,I am so happy to see a feminist here 🥹😭💖
Very well written. You have brought forth some very pertinent points - tax rule disparity, societal norms, property acquisition etc.
Truth be told marriage is an institution that needs to change and upgrade itself to modern sensibilities. Why it evolved the way it did is not as important as what it needs to be today.
With more people opting for non dogmatic options, there is also a need to acknowledge and provide for services that were originally provided under the umbrella of marriage and extended family. This is the other side of the coin. Single individuals as they progress through life will require nursing, emotional support, financial support, companionship, intimacy, help raising children, old age assistance and palliative care outside of outdated marital contract. It's time to discuss these as min standard support requirements for individuals as we march forward into the new unencumbered world.
I got married years ago and went through the same experiences as you before that. It felt unfair, uncomfortable, and so limiting to my free will. I had a period where I had learnt to be alone and loved it. I didn't want to get married. A deep societal change needs to happen for this to stop. And to me, it's the worst when women shame other women for choosing differently. Just because it worked for us, or because we have always done it this way.
Ps. Even though I am married, this article wasn't anger-inducing at all. We must respect different choices and you have expressed fair and logical points.
I absolutely loved this! You basically put the words in my mind to paper.
As someone in her early twenties who has seen multiple times how marriages break spirits of wonderful and independent women, the way you wrote about this institution resonated so deeply with me. Definitely going to make my elder cousins being pressurized to marry read this haha
Very nice--and as a single woman, I see it, and I get it! A small aside: I think the trad-wife phenomenon like extreme woke-ism, will, and sooner rather than later, backfire.
These trad wives on the internet are making money by spewing this propaganda. So not very trad of them. It will die down, but the MRA conversations that are growing scares me. And it's all interconnected
I understand your points in the article but I think it is coming from a biased place, I don't think things are easier for men either if they choose not to get married, infact if men are unmarried they too are considered as failures, there is no one who would show sympathy to an unemployed man, infact I would argue that a man needs to work harder to show that he is even eligible to get married, you can study about hypergamy if you are interested.marriage as an institution doesn't necessarily benefits a man always, especially when things are horribly unfair towards them in divorce courts and alimony settlements. Yes, people have abused the institution of marriage, but everything is abused by bad people, Internet, medicine, religion etc, but you can't blame the tool if the carpenter is bad. At the end marriage is about commitment, if 2 people are ready to commit and support each other, marriage is a beautiful thing, but yes if someone does not wants to be married that should be appreciated as well.
You seem to have missed the entire point of the piece. The argument isn’t whether marriage benefits men or women more. It's that the institution itself has historically been built on controlling women. If men also suffer under it, as you claim, then why is your response to defend it rather than question it?
You bring up hypergamy, as if it’s some unchangeable law. The very system you defend is what created it. If men feel pressured to earn more or prove their ‘eligibility’ for marriage, that’s not some innate reality. It is the result of patriarchal norms that demand men be providers. Feminism has been challenging this for decades, yet instead of supporting that challenge, many men dig their heels in and insist on keeping the system intact while simultaneously complaining about its burdens.
You also mention how men receive no sympathy if they are unemployed. Have you considered why? The same system that forces women into domestic roles also defines a man’s worth by his ability to provide. Feminism actually argues for dismantling these rigid roles so that both men and women have real choices.
As for divorce courts, if you’re upset about how some settlements turn out, your issue is with divorce laws, not with women. And let’s be real men overwhelmingly hold financial power worldwide. Women are often left economically vulnerable after divorce, which is why alimony existed in the first place. If men truly want an equal system, they should be advocating for a fair distribution of wealth, domestic labor, and parental responsibilities not just complaining when the system finally holds them accountable. To simplify: self sufficient women just want to move on.
And your last point of comparing marriage to a tool ‘you can’t blame the tool if the carpenter is bad’? That’s an oversimplification. Marriage isn’t a neutral tool; it was designed in a way that benefits some and restricts others. If a tool is faulty, it should be examined, critiqued, and if necessary, replaced with something better.